开心

Don’t yearn for the days of the past and don’t live for the future, live now.

When my first marriage had a hard time, I was very sad for myself. Then, after my first husband died, I left my teaching job and tried to do business. I thought that if I worked hard I’ll be successful. That if I keep myself busy, I wont need anyone’s help. I can forget the past. I thought this would be easy.

In my first year of business I lost a lot of money and I never have time to look after my son. I was very sad. I was sad for my life. Also, I didn’t forget my past. I couldn’t feel any happiness in my life.

My parents worried about me, mother always looked after my son and tried to help me. My father often asked me about my thinking. He said to me, “if you need someone to talk to, come home and talk to us. If you want cry, come home and cry to us. Our home’s door is always open to you.” This let me feel very warm. I still talk to my parents every day. I know they are in the sky and they listen to me and help me each day. It was my parents’ help that got me through the hard time.

I remember that during the hard time I once went home and cried to my parents. I said “I can’t feel any happy”. My father waited for me to calm down and then he said, “I read a book, I forgot who wrote this book, but the writer’s words have accompanied me my whole life. When I had the hard times in cultural revolution and I couldn’t supported myself, I just reminded myself what the writer had said, that any good things or bad things they come and they go. When good things come be happy and enjoy them. When bad things come, don’t be sad, remember, like the good things, they will pass. He said, don’t yearn for the days that have past and don’t fancy the future, live now. If you live just in the now, then your life will become easy. Remember good times, they will pass, bad times they will pass.”

I listened to my father, he continued, “the people feeling unhappy, the reason, not just that life is stressful, the people are using their life to repent the past and worry about the future. This just like you carry two large weights on a pole balanced over your shoulder. How can you not be feeling tired? If you throw away the bad things from the past and also stop living for the future, the weights become light and easy to carry. The 'now' is the light pole on your shoulder which shouldn't be weighed down by too much past, too much future. So, live in the now, my daughter. Enjoy what you have; find your happiness.”

“And remember, the past days you can’t relive, the future hasn’t come, you can’t live in it. You can only live now, this moment.”

Yes, I have best parents, I have a lovely son, I have a lot of friends who always care of me and support me. I have a lot, why I am unhappy? I got through that hard time.

I understood what my father told me and I try always to remember it, but I sometimes I forget. I find myself thinking about the bad times in the past, or waiting for the future to be happy. I forget that all I need to be happy is here, in the now: my son, my husband, my family, my friends, a beautiful sky, a phone call, a rose in my garden, a lovely meal, a smile from a stranger. Yes, all I need is here, in the now.

Last night, I talked to my brother on the phone, he reminded me of what my father said.
I would like to tell anybody, try live in the now, make your life be easy.

It is now near the Chinese New Year. Now I live in Australia, I never have a Chinese New Year’s feeling. I think I need to find that again. So I rang my friend in China, and we have a long chat. I told her my son went back China for holiday. She said you should have come back with your son, I said I wanted to but I needed to work. We talked for a long time. She told me of our friend’s story.

Our friend divorced four years ago. At that time her son was in high school. She didn’t want her son to be sad and worry. She hoped her son can study hard, go to university and have good future. High school is a very important time in China. You must study hard and pass the big university entrant exam. Chinese parents all hope their child can going to university. So she decided not to let her son know about the divorce. She begged her husband not tell to her son. “Just say you must go to other city work, and each big festival come home to live a few days.” They did well, the son believed the father was very busy in another city, he thought his father worked hard just for him so he can have good future. So he studied very hard and went to university last year.

After the son went to university, the husband was sick of this. He didn’t want to go back to his ex-wife’s home again. When the Chinese New Year come, the son from the university go home for holiday. He asked why his father did not go home. His mother decided to tell the son his parents had divorced four years ago and his father had a new family. The son couldn’t understand. He can’t take in what his mother told him. He lost his respect for his mother and father. Why? He couldn’t accept that his parents could lie to him for such a long time. He asked his mother, “why not tell me early? I don’t know my parents. They are just like performers! Now I don’t know what things are true.” His mother replied, “we just for you did this thing. You must understand, we were in turmoil.” But the son couldn’t understand. He left home. Until now he hasn’t gone home to see his mother again.

When I heard this story, I was sad for the mother and sad for her son too. The mother only wanted to protect her son and ensure he had a good future. However, she did not try to see it through her son’s eyes.

Her son could only see that his parents had lied to him for a long time. That special trust between parent and child had been broken. He too, could not see it through his mother’s eyes.

I remember, my father told me that sometimes people just use their kind heart to do something for another person. They do not stop to think how that other person will see it. With all giving comes the responsibility of thinking how the gift is received. Is it wanted? Could it do unexpected harm?

We must from the other person’s eyes try to see the gift.

The mother thought she was giving her son the gift of a good education. She did not see that gift through her son’s eyes. He only saw the breakdown of trust.

My father also said, that if you have bad news to tell, then most of the time it is best to tell it early. You may think that not telling is kind, is a gift. It is not. The person will still have to get over the bad news no matter when you tell them, and will wonder why you did not tell them early. They will think that you have not been honest.

So, parents, keep that precious trust between you and your children and always be honest, even when it is hard.

These few months have been a very hard time in my life. We just moved to a new place, many new things we need to learn. At first it was hard to find new friends. I needed to find a job, but we no idea how to do. My husband and I both got sick, and hurt each other. I was really sad. In this hard time, a long time friend misunderstood me and was very angry at me. Lke a leaf in the river, I suddenly felt I had lost my future. What I can do!

I gave another one of my close friends a call. I told her about my feelings. She was very patient and listened to me. In the end, she told me, "Just a moment, of course you can’t understand what is happening. This is because there are many things around you. You don't know which thing to fix first. You need be quiet, relax. Try to think nothing is happening, let your mind be still, just concentrate on being yourself again.

She asked me, “Do you remember the old Chinese  proverb? It is that you can’t see the mountain when you are in the mountain.” She continued, “Now you must try stand out from the mountain. When you can see the mountain again very clear, you will know what has happened in your life. You will also know how to do.”

I done! I put all the troubles to one side. I got out the house to meet new friends. I found some interesting things to do. I started feeling happy again. After, I looked back at the trouble things. They were really just small things which I had made became bigger and bigger. I had long talk with my husband. We found some ways to fix these trouble things. We both agreed to give each other time and to keep being ourselves, because in the long time, that is all we can be.

My friend also told me of the Chinese Wisdom that says, ‘If you love your partner, then you will look for the good things in that partner. That is love. If you always see the bad things in your partner, that is not love. That is when you love just yourself.’

So my husband and I try to discover only each others' good things. Now we are feeling much easier. Also, I sent a long e-mail to my other friend. In it I said that I hoped she was not angry with me, that it was just a misunderstanding. After all, who say sorry first not important. Important is our long time friendship.

I will try keep these ways to build an interesting and rewarding life. I will try to live my life like my father, so that in the end I can truly say, ‘I did no bad thing for any person. My life has been well lived.’